rakuen_ooc | i must be the. the MIDWIFE.

i must be the. the MIDWIFE.

Hi!!! I'm Kari, I'm a twenty-year-old mathematics senior in Oregon, and I am dragging in one Karkat Vantas of Homestuck fame! He is normally a tiny ball of rage, vulgarity and capslock, but extensive AU has made him older, more capable of self-preservation, and preened him for his ideal calling:

IMPERIAL BIRTHING GUARDIAN.

Since I'm evidently incapable of writing anything serious ever. If you want to add me, I'm Karijou on Plurk and derpy angel on AIM.

My interesting factoid is that I am completely uninteresting w h o o p s.

EDIT: since I forget everything, he's effectively twenty-eight years old, terrible at everything, he only answers to "Midwife / Professor / Professor Midwife," and he's the new sex Ed teacher. WHOOPWHOOP.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

WHY

BECAUSE

NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET TO CLASS YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT

HE DOESN'T NEED TO KNOW THE 69 WAYS YOU CAN SCRUB OUT GENETIC MATERIAL OUT OF A FILIAL PAIL, ASSHOLE

WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SCRUBBING???? IF YOU'RE SCRUBBING, THERE ARE THREE POSSIBILITIES:

1) IT'S DRIED ON COMPLETELY FOR WHATEVER FUCKING REASON, MEANING YOU'RE TOO MUCH OF AN INEPT BULGENUZZLER TO EVEN DUMP A PAIL OF SLURRY INTO THE MIX;
2) YOU ARE WASTING PERFECTLY GOOD GENETIC MATERIAL, WHICH MEANS GOOD JOB, YOU UNBELIEVABLE PILE OF MUSCLEBEAST LEAVINGS, YOU DESERVE A CULLING; OR
3) YOU'RE KARKAT VANTAS, SHITSECUTIONER EXTRAORDINAIRE, THE ONLY FUCKING MUTANT IN A TWENTY-MILE RADIUS CAPABLE OF GARGLING HIS OWN SHIT-FILLED PROMISES AND CHOKING ON HIS FAILURES GOD I HATE YOU SO MUCH

WHY THE FUCK DID YOU ACTUALLY ANSWER THAT??? THERE ARE THREE POSSIBILITIES:

1) YOU'RE A BULGELICKER;
2) NO REALLY YOU'RE A GIGANTIC BULGELICKER AND YOUR TONGUE'S MAGNITUDE IS BIGGER THAN FEFERI'S FREAK SHOW LUSUS;
3) YOU'RE KARKAT VANTAS, CAPTAIN GRUBMOLESTER AND RESIDENT SHITSTAIN, EVERYBODY'S FAVORITE LUSUS AND HORN RAMMING BAG GOD I FEEL THE SAME WAY YOU SAD PATHETIC ASSFUCK

HERE'S THE ANSWER IN CASE YOUR GOATEE IS SUFFOCATING YOUR THINK PAN AGAIN: ALL OF THE ABOVE.